How the Cult Lady Broke Her Big Toe and Her Nose All on the Same Day. Or the journal of a former cult member in 21 movements.

April 14: Today Kim, Scott, and Jerry showed up. They were here a few days ago. Kim is now trying to make every visit. Crack squad hadn’t worked together before, Kim was yelling at everyone. Going over who was doing what.

Scott was on camera. Jerry on back-up camera. Kim did what she always did, just yell into my face. Didn’t want to deal with it today so I went inside. They tried knocking over and over, but heat got to them. Left after 45 minutes.

April 2: Jim Giles knocked on my door today. He was cordial, clearly the good cop. Kept telling me how much they missed me. “We miss you. Everyone back at the Commune needs you back. We aren’t the same without you.” True.

I told him it was over. Not coming back and that’s final. His lip got swingy. Jim started getting upset. Told me to watch out.

April 23: They wore t-shirts today. Multi color printed t-shirts. Probably cost them $15 bucks a piece and they were bright neon green. Had my face printed on it with a giant ‘X’ going through it. “Ferret busters” was printed above my face.

Didn’t get a great view. The dog was outside. Barking like mad. Has a hookworm infection so his top lip curls up showing his teeth. Looks scary, but he’s really just happy and excited.

They stood at the gate for 15 minutes. Couldn’t figure out how to get close. One of them just went back and sat in the shade by their car. Even members of a cult are subject to exhaustion.

May 7: Kim and a posse were back. Tried to tell them to leave. Kept shoving the camera in my face.

May 12: No privacy today.

May 19: Have a few ideas lately. Maybe a way to get rid of them.

May 22: They were back again and caught me off guard. Came at 6 a.m. Just let them stand there and ignored them.

Neighbor kid was biking by later and stopped. He asked about the regular visitors. No point keeping it a secret. So I told him.

Thought it was interesting. I needed to explain what a cult was to him. Not sure if the concept sunk in. Asked if he could help me. I said sure.

June 1: Didn’t want to do it, but I left dog poop out on the porch. Kim and company lasted seven minutes. It’s working.

June 9: The kid swung by as I was out mowing. Said something about a laser that they only make in China that can blind people. I just nodded and got back to the lawn.

June 21: The lasers came. Kid got them via FedEx. Told him I didn’t want to blind anyone, but he could still help.

July 4: Kim didn’t let me enjoy the holiday, my first holiday on the outside too. She came at night.

The neighbor boy also saw her coming. Aimed one of those Roman candles at her and she ran back into her car. Kid is getting it.

July 20: Heard someone digging in my trash a few days ago. It wasn’t a raccoon. Wanted some laughs so planted some J Dub pamphlets in there. Get them hot under the collar.

July 24: Pamphlets worked. Kim arrived early in the morning barreling down my door. She was screaming, “What have you told them?”

I acted like I had no idea what she was talking about.

August 10: Kim came alone today. It was a “heart-to-heart” conversation. I wasn’t having any heart today.

Repeated verbatim what Jim Giles said to me. “They miss me.” Told Kim that three of them had threatened to kill me. Kept saying, “You and I both know that’s not true.”

August 26: Really tired. Today was sprinkler day. Spent yesterday evening re-aligning the sprinklers so they aimed right on the path to the front door.

Think I fried out one of their cameras. Headquarters will like that.

September 3: Didn’t feel like doing that much today. Let the kid figure out something. He and a friend came over and sat in the living room with remote control cars outside. The friend was a bigger kid. The cult thought that fat people were possessed. It was awkward when founder Asa got gout and ballooned before he died.

Told the kids to be careful with their toys. Never thought I would say, “Be careful with your RCs, the cult members might break them.”

Kim didn’t come today, but two men with cameras. Couldn’t get a good glimpse of them. Kid thought they had both been there before. The two cameramen stood out in the street talking. Bigger kid turned around at one point and asked, “You’re sure we can run RCs into the cult people?”

Didn’t watch the beginning of the chaos. Kids were laughing. After a few big “Ohs” I walked over. Kids were ramming the things right into the ankles and shins of the two idiots. They were in pain. Kid told me they had super glued thumb tacks to the front of the RCs.

One of the men tried to get something out of trunk. Timed it just right and he flattened one of the cars with his foot

Neighborhood kid looked completely defeated. Told him I warned him. He didn’t have an excuse.

September 15: Finished the mirror dish yesterday. Kid helped glue the last piece. Found it funny seeing 30 of his eyes staring back at him. We placed it in the living room by the window to be ready.

Kim parked outside my house yesterday so I knew they were coming. Kim arrived with a woman I didn’t know. Also a man I’m think I met at a conference a few months before I fled. Couldn’t see his face, behind the camera.

I opened the blinds. Sun bounced from dish to the tree above their heads. I adjusted so it reflected right into their face.

Kim looked like she needed to sneeze. Started flailing her arms. Didn’t think the thing would radiate heat that bad, but it did. Kim and friends couldn’t keep their hands up to protect their eyes. The guy couldn’t keep the camera up to his face. Other woman just ran behind the tree in the front lawn. Poked her head out sometimes like some soldier in a fox hole.

Kim kept trying to get to the door. They gave up after 10 minutes. Kim was yelling how I was a ferret. Every time she did I just tilted the thing right back up into her face.

Kid would have liked to be there. He doesn’t get out of school till 3:15.

September 29: In a fighting mood today. Argued with Kim for half an hour or so. Kid had other things in mind. Five minutes into the argument the kid pops up from behind her car. He waves at me then signals me to distract Kim.

I locked eyes onto Kim. Kid was jacking the passenger side up. Few minutes later, he was rolling the tire off down the street. Took the kid only a few minutes. Started waving his hands.

Thought I would make it interesting so I fake called the cops right in front of Kim. Stood her ground, but then she got nervous. Screeched all the way out the street. Headquarters has spare tires.

She never saw the kid. Will blame the J Dubs if she ever asks about it.

October 5: In the northwest corner of the yard was the garbage can. Tied to a small piece of wire that was attached to the garage door. Emptied it yesterday because the door could only drag it with no extra weight inside it. 

The hose was coiled a few steps away from the porch. I hooked up another hose to it, routed it under the front porch and to the backyard spouts.

The neighborhood kid was on the back side of the house on the roof. Had a bin full of balls. Basketballs, footballs, soccer balls, balls from that tether ball game. Said he could hold the rope and hoist it back up and drop it on them again.

Underneath the porch I rigged three propane tanks to shoot up the flames between the cracks in the floor boards. Routed the ignition switch into the house through the front door.

Plan was that Kim and whoever she was with would get out of the their car (probably not Kim’s because of the kid jacking her tire) and come up to the front door. After they knew I was home, I would flip on the hose which would go crazy whipping around. They would then back onto the porch. I would hit the garage door causing the garage bin to fall over and slowly block the lawn gate. Then I would ignite the flames underneath their feet. We didn’t have a plan of attack for when precisely to drop the balls. Screaming was the best signal to let them slide down the roof and hopefully bang them in the heads.

It worked nearly flawlessly. Kim was accompanied by Scott, Ken Cavanagh, and a third guy who had come twice before. They wore orange neon t-shirts, but they didn’t have a full color print of my face. More of a black outlined version of my face. Someone at headquarters probably told them to knock it off with expensive t-shirts. Cults still have to fuss over money too.

Ken and the other man had the cameras already rolling when they got out of the car. Neighborhood kid was playing outside when I told him to get in position. I steadied the ladder as he scampered up to the roof. The doorbell rang and I gave them a little wave.

The second knock came. I raced back to the backyard and flipped on the hose. It started dancing once I got back. I hit the button on the garage door opener. It didn’t fall down as gracefully as it had during the test runs. The can dragged into position. I grabbed the wires which I left just inside the door and crossed them. Shocked myself when I did. Flames began immediately, I could tell through the frosted glass at the bottom of the front door. Kim and Ken screamed.

Kid timed it perfectly. Scott was struck in the head by a soccer ball. Kim fell next. Kid said that the tether ball hit Kim and she fell flat on her face. Had her hands at her side to protect her from the hose. Didn’t have enough time to brace herself. Kid said he heard the nose crack, but I don’t think it’s that big of a bone.

Then kid started hailing down darts. He snuck his blowdart into the bin of balls without me knowing. One struck Ken in the leg and another one hit above the elbow of the guy I didn’t know by name. Kim was still on the ground trying to get up to check her nose. Scott was helping her when he was struck right on the neck. Kid was built for war. Ken and the other guy tried to swing the gate out toward the street but it only swung inward. Should have known that since this was the 24th time on my property. Kim yelled at the guys to move it out of the way. Blood was now dripping offer her chin. A few blots were on the orange t shirt. Should have been paying attention because Scott and Ken were in such a rush to get out of there. They picked up the thing and tried to move it out of the way. The bin somehow caught Kim’s big toe and bent it backwards. That break I heard.

She screamed louder this time. Hobbled over to the car forcing the third accomplice to drive. Kim looked at me as she closed the door.

It was a good day. Kid felt bad he didn’t have more blowdart ammo. Told him that everything was fine.

October 17: Though I’d give it a shot to convince Kim to leave. She was wearing a boot and her nose was still purple. Told her I was genuine. Tried to shut down the conversation. I think I got to her though.

December 30: One hell of a year. Hassling stopped by October. Everyone must have heard the horror stores that had happened to Kim. Don’t know what happened to Kim. I think she got out.